Vacancies at Arsenal Fc: Apply in Person

The following job placement is rated 'FM' (fictional material). Player recruitment exercise is currently going on at Arsenal Fc. Believe me the salary is attractive, and there are additional mouth-watering incentives to ensure you never entertain thoughts of leaving your employer in the lurch when your services are needed the most.

Candidates must be plying their trade for a club amongst the Top Ten in the following Leagues: English Premiership, Spanish La Liga, Italian Seria A, French Ligue1, German Bundesliga and Dutch Eredivisie. Interested candidates that possess the qualities listed for the following positions are advised to come forward for immediate assessment and possibly outright employment.

Goalkeeper: Applicant must be fully conversant with our defensive frailties -especially the lack of a commanding presence between the sticks. He must fall under the age bracket of 22-32, and at least be 6ft5in tall. Ability to deny the likes of Lionel Messi, Didier Drogba, Wayne Rooney, Fernando Torres, Darren Bent, Osaze Odemwingie, Van Der Vaart and most importantly own goals will be an added advantage. Furthermore, the candidate for this hallowed department must possess the agility second only to a monkey, reflexes that are sharper than that of a raptor, and an aura of confidence befitting a true champion.

Centre Half and Left Back: Applicant must be big and inexpensive, economical (salary-wise) and swift, well-built and well equiped with a fore knowledge of the Premier League's hard men. They must have an iconic personality coupled with a legendary reputation for toughness and a proven track record to perform in the most severe environments from the Brittania Stadium to the Camp Nou. The candidate must fall between the age bracket of 24-28 years, and be at least 6ft4in tall.

Attacker: Any forward who can match the form of La Liga's most impressive hitmen (Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi), should indicate his willingness to face the challenge. Even though there is no height restriction and age limit, this marksman must be an established house-hold name desperately in need of trophies. He must possess the flair and intelligence that is characteristic of our beautiful but ineffective style of play, plus a conversion rate of at least 75% -ability to play/score with both legs and a tendency to occasionally devise ingenious ways of scoring in crunch time like Manchester United's Paul Scholes against Zenit St. Petersburg two years ago during their SuperCup encounter will be an added bonus to your already laden Curriculum Vitae.

Applicants that meet the above criteria for the afore-mentioned positions should report immediately with their training kits and recommendations from their previous bosses to #75 Drayton Park Highbury House, London N5 1BU weekdays from 8.00am-5.00pm daily.